Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
