i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
