I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
