i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
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I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
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Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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