Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
