he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
