my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
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I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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