Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
