He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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