ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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