Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
