im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
