so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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