Got a toothbrush?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
