I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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