I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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