at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
