i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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