I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
