R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
