I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
