shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize