You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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