the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize