Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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