I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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