OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
