I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
