No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
