Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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