genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
