I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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