The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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