The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
