she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
