i think my tv is drunk
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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