He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
