sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
