I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
