y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
