She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
