smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
