i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
