did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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