My friends, they love my intelligence
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
