Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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