I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
