dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
