I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
This is not my ceiling
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.