i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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