you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf