i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
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