some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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