Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
