Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
