I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
