I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
